The rout was on from the get go. If this were the Little Leagues, the mercy rule would have been invoked days ago. But, this is the Major Leagues. Where the stakes are huge. Reputations are made, while other were destroyed. Or at least humbled.
Chinese food trounced Pizza by an incredible 16 to 1 ratio in the final tally of votes. While the margin of victory was perhaps surprising, what wasn’t a shock was that Chinese food won our first annual Take-out Take-Down.
Chinese food has just way too much firepower in its arsenal (and I’m not talking about its spicy Szechuan spices). Look at all these strengths that Chinese food brought to your door, brought to the table, and to the tournament:
It’s fast! I’m talking lightning fast break speed that just can’t be denied, nor caught. Ten minutes. Tops. No matter what you order, you’ll get it in 10 minutes. Or less! No other take-out food can compete with such athleticism. When you’re hungry, you need it. And you need it NOW. Not in 45 minutes. 10 minutes. That’s your limit. And Chinese food never fails to deliver (pun intended!)
Options. Have you seen a Chinese food menu? Of course you have! It’s boundless. It goes on for pages. Such stamina! Printed on both sides of the page. Even on the take-out menu. So many different cuisines too to chose from. You’ll be razzled and dazzled by the different choices. You guaranteed to find something to satisfy. The opposition is blinded by this versatility.
Artistry. I’m sure you’ve been amazed by Chinese chefs and their mastery of the wok. The speed and dexterity as they swish and dish your plate.
Fire and Brimstone. Szechuan spices can totally knock you out. Packing such power, there’s nothing that can withstand their onslaught. Just ask Mee Tsu Yan!
With all that going for Chinese food, is it any wonder that pizza folded (<rim shot>).
Thank you all for participating in our Take-down Take-out Tournament. If there was a major upset, we would have had to start “The Pizza Quest”. Thank goodness that will not be the case. While there was no buzzer beating last minute heroics, the only buzzer you’ll hear announces the arrival of Chinese food at your door. It was fun while it lasted. And you know, you’re going to be hungry again in an hour, so thankfully you have a plethora of choices from any Chinese food menu.
Bon appétit! 個飽 (Gè bǎo)!
Humbly submitted for your consumption,
—Mee Magnum (“Chop! Chop!”)