Until we eat again, let’s pass the time comparing and contrasting the Jews and the Chinese. Lots of affinity regarding food, of course. And as noted, lots of good humor too. Though we prefer Carvel, that was the topic of another article ;). Here are some jokes that are more food for thought than anything else. Not to worry, an hour later you will want to come back and read the next joke!
A Word To The Wise
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. “My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?” they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, “Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?” The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”
A few days before Passover a Rabbi was walking home when he noticed his Shamos walking ahead of him. The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss. Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the Shamos had entered a Chinese restaurant. The Rabbi couldn’t believe his eyes. He looked again and saw the Shamos pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter. He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a tray of food to the Shamos. Then he saw the Shamos take the chop sticks and start eating a traif meal, including shrimp. The Rabbi could no longer contain himself. He burst into the restaurant and said, “Moshe, what are you doing?” Moshe looked up and said to the Rabbi, “I don’t understand.” The rabbi said, “I just saw you, Moshe, my most holy Shamos, with all this traif food.” Moshe said, “Rabbi, did you see me come into this restaurant? ” “Yes I did,” replied the Rabbi. “Did you see me order the food?” “Yes I did” said the Rabbi. “Did you see me eat the food?” “Of course I did! Why do you think I barged in here?” “Well then,” said Moshe, “I don’t see the problem. It was all done under Rabbinical supervision!”
A man started to tell a joke at a party: “Two old Jews were on their way…”
Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.
“Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” apologized the story teller, “I’ll start again.
Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi…”
At The Bar
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Jewish man says.
“What was that for?” “That was for the Titanic,” the Chinese man says.
“But that was an iceberg!” “Ice berg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”
The Wiser Chinese Businessman
A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38FF.
The Jew, renowned for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38FF bras and asks the Chinese guy, “…please tell me – What do you do with all these black bras?”
The Chinese guy answers: “I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each.
This Has Gotta Hurt!
Samurai Joke – Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful Emperor who sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he was searching for a new head Samurai.
A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The Emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”
The Emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh – whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces.
The Emperor exclaimed, “That is really very impressive!”
The Emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around.
The Emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, “After all of that, why is the fly not dead?”
The Jewish Samurai smiled and said,
“Circumcision is not intended to kill.”
Hope you enjoyed reading! Now that you’re done, your take-out is ready for sure!
Humbly submitted for your consumption,
—Mee Magnum (“Chop! Chop!”)