The Jewish Zodiac

Earlier we published an article titled “The Year of the Horse | A Funny Look at the Chinese Zodiac“, which was written by Bernadette King of Building Beautiful Souls, who will, by the way, be writing a whole series of articles for The Chinese Quest on Chinese Astrology and Zodiac System.   To give equal time zodiac-wise, we present “The Jewish zodiac”.

The Jewish Zodiac Placemat

Surfing the web I came across a website that sells Jewish zodiac placemats.  I nearly plotzed!!  I wrote the site’s owner for permission to use the image and his description of the Jewish Zodiac.  It’s available in the form of a laminated placemat.  I think EVERY dining room table should have six or a dozen of these Jewish zodiac placemats.  Oy gavalt!

Their hilarious parody of the Chinese zodiac placemat has all twelve deli food images and text… the whole megillah. You’ll laugh your tukhus (tushy) off reading about each symbol, and the images will give you a hankering for deli. You’ll not only want to get a set for your entire family, but for your friends too!  And for a mere $5.00 each you’re practically paying wholesale.  So nu?  Go over there and order your set of Jewish zodiac placemats now!

Description of the 12 signs of the Jewish Zodiac:

CHICKEN SOUP 
1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You’re a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children: resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.

EGG CREAM 
1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You’ve got a devious personality since you’re made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you’re too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.

CHOPPED LIVER
1933, 1945, 1957, 1969,1981, 1993, 2005
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder “what am I, chopped liver?” But don’t get a complex, you’re always welcome at the holidays! Bagel’s got your backside.

BLINTZ 
1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you’re rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy but word is with the right topping you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.

LATKE 
1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you’re a real softie on the inside. Kinda plain naked but when dressed up you’re a real dish. Compatible with Schmear’s cousin Sour Cream.

BAGEL
1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You’re pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something’s missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.

PICKLE 
1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You’re the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry a Pastrami later in life.

SCHMEAR 
1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami – wouldn’t be kosher.

PASTRAMI 
1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket’s hipper sibling, always smokin’ and ready to party. You spice up life even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who’s always by your side.

BLACK AND WHITE 
1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you’re “New Age,” all yin & yang. We call it “bi-polar.” Sweetie, you’re most compatible with yourself.

KNISH 
1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you’re actually a person of depth and substance. Consider Medical or Law School but don’t get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who’s out of your league.

LOX 
1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you’re very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear although you top them both.

Humbly submitted for your consumption,

—Mee Magnum   (“Chop!  Chop!”)