In a press release issued shortly after midnight last night, the Federal Food and Drug Administration (FDA) called for an immediate ban on Chinese food in the United States, citing their discovery of a direct correlation linking the consumption of Chinese food and the obesity problem in the United States. After years of intense research, and billions and billions of dollars, the FDA has discovered the ingredient in Chinese food that causes you to be hungry an hour after you consume it.
Various news reports are indicating that Russia is behind the ingredient that has been injected in to all Chinese food eaten in the United States. While this ingredient has not been directly identified yet by Government scientists, the FDA is calling for an immediate ban on Chinese food until it can be identified and rectified.
Hours after receiving the report from the FDA, President Trump issued an executive order to build two great walls in the United States. One along the West Coast and one along the East Coast to prevent all shipments of Chinese food from entering the United States. President Trump said that “These are going to be really really really great walls. The largest, tallest, and strongest walls ever built on this planet”.
Furthermore, President Trump appointed New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, the world’s most obese politician, to head the development and construction of these great walls. President Trump cited Governor Christie’s experience with bridges as evidence of his expertise in this area. Moments after president Trump’s announcement, CEO’s of McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s, offered to provide funding and sponsorship for this project.
A spokesperson for McDonald’s, Ray Crock, issued a press release in the past hour stating ” See? We told you so! We have finally been vindicated after years of false accusation that McDonald’s and other fast food restaurants in the United States, were the cause of the obesity problem in the United States. We are proud to be able to announce today that we have been completely exonerated and absolved of all blame. Furthermore, to celebrate this great news, this weekend McDonald’s will be running a special sale. When you buy one Big Mac Meal, and supersize it, you will get two free!”.
James Dolan, the President of Cablevision, which owns the New York Knicks, the New York Rangers, and Madison Square Garden (MSG) where they play, announced that effective immediately the Garden would be renamed to “The World’s Most Famous Arena”, to disassociate themselves with anything that is associated with Chinese food. All signage will be replaced over the weekend, giving Knicks players something to do since they have been eliminated from the playoffs for the fourth consecutive year. Mr, Dolan said, “It’s about time these players actually did something to earn their pay”.
In a rare show of bipartisan politics, Jews from both sides of the aisle, Democrats and Republicans alike, have come together. Decrying this ban on Chinese food, calling it Fake News. Citing that “without Chinese food, what will Jews eat on Christmas?“. They are frantically rushing to put together a bill that would delay this ban on Chinese food until the end of the year to allow scientists enough time to uncover the source of this mysterious ingredient, so it can be eradicated from the menus of Chinese restaurants and kitchens across the country.
With the ban on Chinese food effectively in place now, Mee Biao Tse announced massive layoffs at The Chinese Quest.
It is with deep sadness that I write this, my last article, without successfully completing our Quest.
Very sadly submitted for your consumption,
—Mee Magnum (“Chop! Chopped!”)