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Jewish Humor – Our Chicken Soup for the Soul

If I Couldn’t Laugh…

So, while we wait a little while longer still for my broken arm to heal so we can go out Questing again, instead of kvetching, we sat around with some take-out Chinese food and shared a few jokes.  No one more than a Jew appreciates self-deprecating humor.  Thank God we have so much great material to work with!

We hope you’ll like plotz like we did.

oldjewstellingjokes

 

Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

A: When it graduates from med school.

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Why were gentiles invented?

A: Somebody has to pay retail.

Q: Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised?

A: Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it’s 20% off

Q: Did you hear about the new tires, Firestein?

A: They not only stop on a dime, they also pick it up!

Q: Define: Genius

A: A “C” student with a Jewish mother.

Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the world. They have some cut off before they even know how big it will get.

Q: How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?

A: When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?

A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish ATM?

A: When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

A Wife’s Duty

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

And then the conversation turned to Chinese food…

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are. “Yes,” replied the Chinese man, “Our culture is over 4,000 years old.

But, you Jews are a very wise people, too.” The Jewish man replied, “Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old.”

The Chinese man was incredulous, “That’s impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?”

 

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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”

“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”

“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Al asked.

“I will check again, sir,” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”

“Are you really sure?” Al asked again.

“I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.”

 

bernbaums

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, “I don’t like Chinese

The First Officer replies, ” Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?”

The Captain says, “You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

The F.O. says, “Nooooo, noooo… Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”

And the Captain answers, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese… it doesn’t matter, they’re all alike.” Another thirty minutes of silence.

Finally the F.O. says, “No like Jew.” The Captain replies, “Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

F.O. says, “Jews sink Titanic.” The Captain tries to correct him, “No, no.

The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.” The F.O. replies,” Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same.”

 

Do you have a good joke to share with us?   Please post it in the comments below.

Humbly submitted for your consumption,

Mee Magnum (“Chop!  Chop!”)

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