Since we started pairing wine with our meals, and we always have lots of laughs when we’re out, I thought it would make a good column to combine wine and humor. Jewish style! Pair Jewish jokes with wine, and you’re sure to plotz!
Jewish Wine Jokes
Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn. “Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew’s turn. “I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Jew. “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!” “Nu, so I’ll wait…”
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G-d. G-d must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.” The priest replies, “I agree with you completely.” “This must be a sign from G-d.” The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely G-d wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.” An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?” Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
And One Chinese Wine Joke:
Huang Fu and the Bottle of Wine Parable
Huang Fu was a very rich man who was deliberately tough on his farmhand, Hop. Huang Fu gave Hop a bottle and said, ‘Buy me a bottle of wine.’
Hop, the poor farmhand enquired, ‘How can I buy you wine with no money at all?’
Huang Fu replied disdainfully, ‘Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money.’
Time elapsed and Hop eventually returned farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Fu and murmured, ‘Enjoy the wine, please.’
Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, ‘There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?’
Hop replied to Huang Fu, with a straight face, ‘Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none.’
Huang Fu made a choking sound but was unable to utter a word.
Humbly submitted for your approval,
—Mee Magnum (“Chop! Chop!”)