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Ode on a Fortune Cookie

What’s in Your Fortune?

While we wait to make our next journey, minds doth wander, and wonder.  I’ve often thought about the almighty fortune cookie.  To me, the fortune cookie makes or breaks the dinner.  There’s a lot of pressure to get a good fortune. G-d forbid you get a bad fortune!  Does that mean your doomed?  I’m not sure about that, but it would explain a LOT of things to me.

Now, is it just me, or have you found this to be true too, that fortune cookies recently don’t really contain fortunes any more.  What happened to the fortune?  I think we’ve been ripped off here!  Or, have all the fortune cookie writers retired, and the new breed have no F’n clue how to write a good fortune cookie fortune?

So, being an inquisitive soul that I am, I did some research online searching for the best fortunes ever found inside fortune cookies.  I present to you my findings (culled from many many internet sites… Guys, we REALLY need to go out again soon so we can post another Review and not the nonsensical drivel of … umm, mee ;)

I also found some trivia about fortune cookies as well as some old wives tales about them.  But, for those you’re going to have to read through the entire list below.

In the comments section please tell us your favorites, and feel free to share some of the best fortunes that you have found inside fortune cookies.

But, without further ado, I present for your consideration the following fortunes deemed to be the worlds best (and it’s made me re-think my thought that they don’t write good fortunes any more.  Please accept my apologies, and please don’t put any nastygrams inside MY fortune cookies!):

  • “Only listen to the fortune cookie; disregard all other fortune telling units.”
  • “Never give up.  Unless defeat arouses that girl in Accounting.”
  • “There’s no such thing as an ordinary cat.”
  • “Ignore previous fortunes.”
  • “Vampires will soon strike you if you do not order again.”  (Can’t he wait an hour??  ;) )
  • “Confucius says:  Go to bed with itchy bum, Wake up with stinky finger!”
  • “Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go outdoors.”
  • “Q. What is K.M.S.?  A. Keep Mouth Shut, the golden rule.”
  • “You will die alone and poorly dressed.”  (That’s just nasty… some fortune cookie writer must have been having a really really bad day!)
  • “Are your legs tired?  You been running through someone’s mind ALL day long.”
  • “A new pair of shoes will do you a world of good!”
  • “Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer.”
  • “Made in the U.S.A.”
  • “The end is near… And it is all your fault.”  (They’re probably right)
  • “Do you feel like you’re walking in mud?  Take your time today.”
  • “Your students secretly agree that your head is too small for your body.”
  • “The road to riches is paved with homework.”  (I’ve got to remember to use that one!)”
  • “Cookie said; “You crack me up”
  • “Help!  I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery?”  (Someone save him, please!)
  • “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.”  (That’s bloody brilliant marketing!  Give that guy a raise!)
  • “Some fortune cookies contain no fortune.”  (Can you say “Rip off!” ?)
  • “Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.”
  • “Fortune said a palm can say a lot.  Especially when it smacks.”
  • “Smile if you like this fortune cookie.”   ( :) )
  • “Today is probably a huge improvement over yesterday.”  (I do NOT want to hear about your yesterday!)
  • “Every exit is an entrance to new experiences.”
  • “How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?  Raise my hand.”  (The guy who wrote this is clearly in the wrong profession)
  • “You can be trusted to keep a secret.”
  • “Confucius says: lovers in triangle not on square.”
  • “Fortune Not Found:  Abort, Retry, Ignore?”
  • “Never tease an armed midget with a high five.”
  • “Run.”  (I’ve had to do that a few times in the past right after dinner!)
  • “The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.”
  • “Life will be happy, until the end when you’ll pee yourself a lot.”
  • “You laugh now, wait till you get home.”
  • “Confucius say:  if you think we’re going to sum up your whole life on this little bit of paper, you’re crazy.”
  • “For rectal use only.”
  • “A thrilling time is in your immediate future.”
  • “When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out – because that’s what’s inside.”
  • “Someone has Googled you recently.”
  • “You will be hungry again in one hour.”  (Duh!)
  • “It is easier to resist at the beginning that at the end.”
  • “Don’t eat any Chinese food today or you’ll be very sick!”
  • “Warning:  Do not eat your fortune.”   (Really?  Someone told me it was a good source of fiber!)
  • “How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?”  (I love a good thought provoking fortune!  But, again, that’s not really a fortune, is it?)
  • “About time I got out of that cookie.”
  • “Silence is a virtual. Especially Dinner time, from telemarketers.”
  • “A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you.”
  • “Do or do not. There is no try.”
  • “I found your boyfriend on craigslist.  He wasn’t selling his pool table…”
  • “You will read this and say “Geez!  I could come up with better fortunes than that!”
  • “That wasn’t chicken.”
  • “You are not illiterate.”
  • “An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly.”
  • And my favorite: “You will receive a fortune.  (cookie)”

Here are 25 of the best as collected by Rinkworks.com (These are gold.  Pure gold, I’m telling you!):

  1. “You will find a bushel of money.”
  2. “Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good.”
  3. “You are going to have some new clothes.”
  4. “Your family is young, gifted and attractive.”
  5. “There is a true and sincere friendship between you both.”
  6. “The night life is for you.”
  7. “Face facts with dignity.”
  8. “You are magnetic in your bearing.”
  9. “You are free to invent your life.”
  10. “Good sense is the master of human life.”
  11. “Maybe someday we will live on the moon!”
  12. “Don’t panic.”
  13. “If you don’t have time to live your life now, when will you?”
  14. “Ignorance never settles a question.”
  15. “The best year-round temperature is a warm heart and a cool head.”
  16. “Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.”
  17. “Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.”
  18. “You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment.”
  19. “Do you believe? Endurance and persistence will be rewarded.”
  20. “Good Luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires.”
  21. “Pat yourself on the back for creating an opportunity.”
  22. “It could be better, but it’s good enough.”
  23. “You will find a thing. It may be important.”
  24. “The calling that has sounded will not be the lasting call.”
  25. “In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare.”

 

Here’s a fun story (Don’t throw about those fortunes so quickly!):

On March 30, 2005, there were an unprecedented 110 second-place winners of the Powerball lottery, all of whom had played the numbers they got in a fortune cookie. The first five were all correct, but the sixth (40) did not match the Powerball number of 42. The total payout came to $19.4 million with 89 tickets winning $100,000 and 21 additional tickets winning $500,000 due to the Power Play multiplier option.

Superstitions surrounding fortune cookies:

  • The cookie must be eaten for the fortune to come true.
  • The fortune must be read before any of the cookie is consumed or it won’t come true.
  • The fortune must be read aloud to come true.
  • The cookie must be chosen with your eyes closed.

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4 comments

  1. I can NOT believe that after listing all of those fortunes I somehow managed to miss MY all time favorite fortune cookie!

    “May your life be like a fortune cookie. Long and useful!”

    That’s just so beautiful, isn’t it? And it’s really a fortune too!

  2. About 35 yrs. ago in Miami at a Chinese restaurant the night before flying back home to Long Island , my ex ( who is totally afraid of flying) opened her fortune cookie which read……..travel by rail or road! true story…. i still have the fortune.

  3. Our latest fortune cookie says: “When opportunity knocks, answer the door.”

  4. I keep coming back to this post any time I need a good laugh!

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